Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Pooling Thoughts..

Chapter 10.  Pooling Thoughts..

Elizabeth finished cleaning up herself and the drips all over the floor.  She hung her clothes over the shower curtain to dry along with the wet towel she used first for her hair, and then for the floor.  Dinner wasn't going to make itself, so she headed to the kitchen.  Since time was ticking away quickly, she needed to snap to it.  She had thawed some burger for the spaghetti she had planned for supper.  It was a perfect choice, simple to prepare, not time-consuming, and everyone loved it.  Besides, choosing something that made everyone happy would be a good thing tonight.  Tensions had been high as of late.  With everyone.

The teens weren't happy with the living situation.  They were thankful to have a bed, but not happy to have lost their home and most all of their belongings.  Each dealt with their emotions differently.  Most often Samantha hid her emotions behind an attitude of indifference.  "It doesn't Matter.. They are just Things.. Whatever.. I'm Fine.." were often her responses to what she had gone through and lost.  Numb on the outside, turbulent on the inside. All Bottled Up yet pretending she was Okay.. Rarely letting her true self out to express how she felt. 

Wayne on the other hand was a ball of fury.  Little made him happy and he was the first to tell you.  He would slam doors, yell and tease his younger siblings (and his older sister) mercilessly to the point of making them either yell or cry.  He had no issue saying he hated what had  happened.  Wished he was in Owego.  Was disrespectful often and always wanting to pick a fight.  He didn't handle his stress well at all and it was difficult for Elizabeth to know what to do or what to say to make it better.  He always thought she was against him.  But she just was a different person, with a completely different personality so they often were like sandpaper together, never going with the same grain, always brushing each other wrong. 

And then there was her husband.  Bob and her had really had their share of mountains to climb through their short marriage already.  Ghosts of past relationships and terrible hurt some of which that would leave large scars.  Heavy baggage that comes with children of divorced parents.  The loss of babies, not just one but many.  Not just miscarriage, but even a child born too soon, her life flickered out like a gentle breeze extinguishing a delicate taper candle.  Money Troubles, Job Losses, and Now A Flood trying to wash away their life. Not fresh clear water to cleanse the soul. Thick muddy sludge covering everything. It wasn't easy at times at all, in fact it was Terribly Hard.  There were times when she just didn't know how they were going to make it through.  And now this flood;  It was tearing them apart.  The stress of all they had endured, how were they going to make it??  She often wondered...

The littles weren't excluded from the stress.. They were small but not completely ignorant.  They felt the brunt of their big brother's frustration and anger.  They saw their big sister become more and more reserved.  Not really being there even when she was there.  They saw and heard their parents arguing, even though Bob and Elizabeth tried not to argue in front of the children, it would happen sometimes in the heat of the moment.  And when the arguing had subsided, trying to "be normal" in such an abnormal state of life was difficult.  They tended to not play as well together.  Little things became big things quickly.  Christiana was still needing her mama to lay with her every single night to put her to sleep.  Ever since they were stranded in the pitch black gym on the floor at the shelter sleeping there for days with rows and rows of other people, she had been terrified of sleeping alone.  Who could blame her... Poor baby girl was so scared, and the never-ending rain didn't help.  It brought thoughts, even to a three year wee tyke of what had happened, and the fear of it happening again..

Elizabeth's thoughts pooled about her, looking out the window at the steel gray sky.. There was a brief respite from the rain, but everything was saturated with water, and the looming dark clouds threatening above, along with the forecast made more rain inevitable.  All of a sudden she was back in her home on West Ave the morning of the flood... All of her memories came flooding in and she remembered it like it was happening right then and there...

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Chapter 9 The Dogs

Although Elizabeth's disposition was sunny and cheerful the weather was not. The sprinkles falling from the sky quickly turned to waterfalls splashing down and bouncing upon the ground so hard that they would fly back up again trying to return to the clouds from which they came before settling back down into small puddles. The small puddles then became larger ones. Elizabeth looked out the window at the dog kennel. Oh how she hated seeing the dogs outside in weather like this but she was helpless since they were borrowing the parsonage and animals weren't to be inside.

The family had three dogs. Takoda was an old man of 8 years old. He was a charcoal gray lab mix Bob had brought home for Elizabeth from the animal shelter after she fell in love with his picture on Petfinder when he was only 5 and a half weeks old. He was her "therapy" after losing her daughter Grace and gave her a way to baby something rather than to drive him, Samantha and Wayne crazy. Ruger was Bobs Brown and White American Bulldog, He was 2 yrs old and Elizabeth had gotten him for Father's Day a few years back as her husband had always wanted an American Bulldog and she wanted to be the one to give him one. Lastly was Suka, Elizabeth's Siberian Husky that Bob had bought for her a year ago when she was walking everyday so she would have a walking partner on those dark nights. Takoda had hip problems, she had little to no control over Bob's dog Ruger so Suka became her new motivation to being fit. She had also always wanted to have a certain breed of dog and Bob knew it so he reciprocated and that is how Suka came to be. Too bad stress and emotions had taken their toll and she had gained back all of the 40 plus pounds she had lost only a year ago. The flood had taken away but had also given and she hated the gifts that were received. Tears, Anger, Weight Gain, Stress, Helplessness, Family Turmoil, Frustration, and Lack of Finances just to name a few. But that was neither here nor there and for now she need not let her thoughts dwell on them otherwise she would become depressed quickly so she brought her thoughts and eyes back to the dogs.

They were inside their doghouses staying dry but the tarp Bob and Elizabeth had fashioned for the top of the outdoor kennel was pulling apart from the sides from the weight the water was putting on the middle of it. The "roof" was almost down to the ground from the pooling rainwater.

Elizabeth checked to make sure the kiddos were preoccupied and then ran out to unbolt the locks around the kennel door so she could push the water off the tarp to clear it temporarily until the next time it gathered again. The rain pelted her hair and body, dripping off her and saturating her clothes. She wished she would have put a jacket on and hoped she would remember next time but this time it was too late. She fumbled with the extra locks on the kennel they had to put on to make double sure the dogs didn't escape. At their "old" home there was no need for kennels or extra locks. They had a fully fenced in picket fence and although it was only 4 foot tall the dogs were satisfied with the large yard to romp and play in and they rarely tried to escape. They also lived in the house rather than in a kennel, so when the dogs were done outside the family always just let them in through the kitchen and they would find places to lie down and rest.

Two out of three dogs had remained with them at the parsonage. The third was staying with Elizabeth's parents temporarily. They had tried bringing him but he was older and was not accustomed to being stuck outdoors. He hated it and showed his disdain by breaking out of the new dog kennel they were forced to buy after the flood. On the third time of breaking out, making his nose all bloody with scratches from forcing his way through the closely knit wires and then having to chase dogs around since he made an escape for all three, her husband had declared enough was enough- figure someone out to take care of him till they were settled or get rid of him. They didn't have money to keep buying materials to fix the kennel and it was getting really irritating having to corral dogs, so in tears and desperation she had called her parents and within 24 hours he had been on his way and now it was just the young dogs who stayed with them. They were resilient and didn't mind being outdoors so much. The only issue was Suka had learned to unlatch the door and after a few more times of chasing the two of them all over God's green earth, they had gotten heavy duty chain and extra latches so they could double lock the kennel and that seemed to be working.

Meanwhile Elizabeth had freed the locks and the dogs were going crazy jumping around and being very vocal. "DOWN!" she said sternly because she was already wet she didn't want to be covered in mud as well. She understood how they were excited for their human visitor and they still hoped they could come in the house when the weather was bad so they thought they could persuade her with their joyfulness but it wouldn't work even though she wished she could let them in. She used all her strength to drain the water from the tarp roof, pushing it from one end, then the other coming down like ocean waves, pouring from the sides of the kennel. What a wet mess. It was evident she would need to change completely after this. She pulled two rawhides that she had stashed in her jean's pockets and gave one to each of them to soften the blow that not only did she had to leave to go into the house, but that they had to stay behind in the kennel. They were satisfied with their treats and went to go lay down and start the chewing process. Elizabeth secured the locks and ran to the house to see three munchkins standing in the sliding glass doorway waiting for her and watching. They didn't miss a beat those three J Elizabeth put a short movie on for them while she got cleaned up, changed her clothes, fixed her makeup and brushed her hair. The next time she would be sure to be more prepared but hopefully the rain would stop soon. Wishing and Hoping aren't always the same as Reality though and it was evident that the rain had invited itself to stay again and wasn't leaving anytime soon…

Thursday, May 17, 2012


Chapter 8: RainClouds

"Mama, what are we going to do today?" asked Cassandra of her mother. "Hmm… What would you like to do today?" asked Elizabeth in response. "Can we go to the park?" questioned the little girl with bright eyes who already knew how to use them to her advantage. Those brilliant blue eyes framed by long lashes could captivate even the grumpiest of grownups. Elizabeth had already seen the looming clouds sliding through the gray sky and knew that today wouldn't be a park day. "I don't think that's going to work today Princess Bucko (the nickname Elizabeth and Bob had given their daughter a few years ago because she was a little bit of Princess and a whole lot of Bucko J) It's going to rain- see those clouds up in the sky?" her daughter nodded and she continued " Those clouds are full of rain- It's not going to be a good day for the park, let's think about what we can do inside instead." As if on cue Elizabeth saw tiny drops starting down from the sky. "LOOK, see it's already starting!" She pointed out the window for the eager faces to see the beginnings of what seemed to be an icky day. Elizabeth had seen her fair share of rain and then some. She was beyond ready for sunshine but it appeared she would have to wait a little longer for the warmth of the golden sun.
"How about we play with play dough, listen to PandaMania (the kid cd from vacation bible school that had become a favorite with her children) and bake cookies?" "YES!" three little voices chimed in response. "Okay, let me make sure Samantha is up so she isn't late for work and then we will get started." Elizabeth popped in the CD so the kids could listen to it while she went to check on Samantha. The tribal rhythms coming from the speakers were met with giggles and squeals. Elizabeth knew that even though it was gloomy outside there would be lots of smiles today, which was good because sometimes the gray dullness of the day could turn smiles upside down in a hurry. She would do her best to keep things on the upswing because she wanted no part of playing referee today.
As she made her way downstairs she hoped that waking up Samantha wouldn't take a turn for the worse. Words were often misconstrued, arguments often erupted at the drop of a hat and she hoped today wouldn't be one of Those days. Elizabeth knocked on the door but heard no response. She knocked again and this time slowly opened the door. Samantha was buried under her covers, hardly noticeable except for some dark strands of hair that found their way out from under the blankets. "Samantha, you need to get up for work." No Response again. This time Elizabeth said it a little louder "Samantha, You need to get up for work, you can't be late." "MmmnHmmn" Samantha muttered in response. "I mean it, Samantha it's almost time for you to leave." "OKAY ! I Heard You." Samantha snapped. Elizabeth knew it was time for her to go before this escalated. Samantha was not a morning person, never had been and if she continued pushing Samantha would become really irritated and it would ruin both of their days. Often she would push the envelope and respond to Samantha about disrespect and such, but today wouldn't be that day. Today her little ones were happily singing upstairs and she wanted to keep the happiness going. "Sorry, just wanted to make sure you were up for work is all." Elizabeth said quietly as she shut the door.
Elizabeth went back upstairs and sat on the couch for a bit watching the little ones dance around before getting out the cookie cutters and play dough. They were so cute dancing around in their princess gowns/ dress up clothes while singing to the music. They could take the rainclouds in her mind away easily. If she dwelled on thinking about what had almost transpired between her and her eldest it would really get her down but thanks to the joy on the little ones' faces she would be saved from her own thoughts for a while longer. Elizabeth had always been super-sensitive and overly-emotional, ever since she was a child. She had tendencies of making more out of things than what should be made of them. She also was a dweller. She was not a forgiver- and forgetter like some people. She was a grudge holder and had been since she was small.
Elizabeth would never forget when her mother was having complications after her littlest sister was born and had to stay in the hospital a few days. Her Uncle had stayed with her and her siblings while her dad was at the hospital with her mom. Elizabeth had never really been left before, and definitely not with her bachelor Uncle who had no children of his own. Elizabeth missed her mother desperately and tried to call her at the hospital, even though she had been told not to call and bother her mom. Because of her direct disobedience and regardless of the fact that she was only calling because she was having a difficult time without her mother, her Uncle had spanked her with a green hairbrush. He hadn't beat her, or abused her, just spanked her to make sure she understood that disobedience was a sin and punishable even if intentions were good. She had never forgotten that day and never would even though she had since forgiven her Uncle, it had clouded her thoughts for years.
She heard steps coming up the stairs and knew Samantha was leaving for work. Elizabeth went to the top of the stairs to say goodbye but Samantha spoke first. "Sorry mom for snapping, you know I am tired in the mornings, sorry." "It's okay… Have a good day at work and I'll see you when you get home." Elizabeth replied. "Thanks, See you." Samantha said as she closed the front door behind her. Ahh… It didn't turn bad after all. Elizabeth was thankful that today things would be good between her and her daughter thanks to her daughter's apology. Those were hard to come by and she appreciated the fact that Samantha had spoken to her and apologized rather than just leaving quietly for work. Elizabeth sighed a breath of relief and turned back to work on making play dough cookies with the little ones before making real ones with them. She smiled as she knew that the rainclouds in her mind were diverted and soon the kitchen would be warm from the stove and the rich smells of the chocolate chip cookies she would be baking.
It was going to be a sunny day for Elizabeth after all. J


Monday, April 23, 2012

Better Days

Chapter 7 Better Days

"Samuel, Time for School! I had no idea what time it was- the bus will be here in a few minutes! Put on your socks and shoes and I will grab your hat and coat for you." Elizabeth told her 6 year old son Samuel. "It will be here really soon? Okay Mama, I will be fast!" Samuel responded. In a matter of moments Samuel was back with his socks and sneakers on. Elizabeth helped him into his coat and handed him his bookbag. "Give me a kiss." She told him. "You wearing lipstick??" He asked. "No Buddy, no lipstick-Promise!" Elizabeth assured her son as she kissed his hair. "Let me go check" he muttered as he went to inspect the top of his head to verify no lipstick marks were left anywhere to be seen. When he was sure that he was mark free Samuel said "bye…love you Mama." "Love you too Buck. Have a good day at school!" She heard a faint "I will" as the door creaked behind him. She couldn't help but smile at her quirky son who daily had to make sure he had no mama residue. Heaven forbid she leave a mark, she thought with a smirk playing on her lips. She understood though, and would never do anything for her son to be taunted and teased at school; she had withstood her fair share at school herself and would do everything in her power to protect him from the same fate- if only he would take her word for it! Her Samuel… That boy had stolen her heart and been a healing balm to it over and over again. She opened the door and yelled from inside one more time "Bye! Love You!" She watched him turn around, smile, wave and yell back "Love You Too." She would take as many "Love You Too's" as she could get for Elizabeth knew that soon enough it wouldn't be cool for a boy to say that to his mom and she would be lucky just to hear those words inside of her home. Home…She missed that word…
She was so thankful for this large beautiful brick house her family was staying in, but it wasn't her home. It was the parsonage of the church she and her family attended weekly. Elizabeth and Bob were still amazed and in awe of the huge gift God had given their family though their church. Her family was rendered homeless from the recent floodwaters that had ripped the back foundation from her house, destroyed many of their possessions, and even robbed them of many of the things upstairs that weren't affected by floodwaters. The house was in a dangerous condition and was held up only by the back porch steps so she was forbidden by her husband to take things out of the house or else it might fall down with her in it. Her husband was brusque. That was his way. Whenever Elizabeth would plead with Bob to allow her to get more things out he would say "You are done- they are just THINGS Elizabeth. Our family being safe is what's important, do NOT go in there." She understood but she had this desperate need to save what she could. She had such a hard time leaving things there that were in fine condition. The bedrooms were full of clothes, shoes, coats, toys, dressers, mattresses, furniture and so much more that could be salvaged and used. It choked her up to think about it, but then she remembered what Samuel had said recently. She was going to the house to save as much as she possibly could in one day, for that was all Bob was allowing her due to the condition of the home and safety issues. She had asked Samuel if there was anything particular he wanted her to get out of the house for him. Without blinking Samuel responded "No Mama, there's nothing I need. The only thing that matters is we are okay and we are together. I don't want anything else." The tears freely slid from Elizabeth's eyes down her cheeks. He was her soothing balm once again. Her 6 yr old had a better grasp on what was truly important than she did. God was teaching her a lesson through the words of her child…
Elizabeth pondered how not long ago she and her husband had left the safety of her sister's home where they had been staying after living in a shelter for 3 days when a flood had put 95 percent of their town under water, to survey damages and get started cleaning/ getting out what they could fit in the back of their mini-van. Their pastor happened to be driving past and stopped when he saw Bob outside. The church family had been worried and wondering if they were okay but had no means to contact them since their landline was gone and that was the only phone number they had to reach the Browns. Bob greeted Pastor and briefed him on the condition of their home. Elizabeth came out of the house with her hands full of things to put in her van. Sweat dripped off her brow from the heat and the hard work she had been doing. As soon as she saw Pastor and her husband together talking quietly, her eyes filled with tears. She was broken and emotional from all that had happened as of late. Bob went to Elizabeth and with a crackling voice told her that Pastor offered for their family to stay at the parsonage house while they sorted things out and found another place to live. He had also offered help the next day and a trailer to get whatever they could out of the house. Bob was taken aback at the kindness. He couldn't even believe that they would do so much for a family they only had known a few months. Within moments the tumult of their world had turned itself around. God had provided a place for her children to live, people to help them work and move, when all seemed lost... Her life felt washed away but by the Grace of God the tide would change for her once again..

So here she stood, in the doorway of the house she and her family were staying in and as she looked around she reminded herself how blessed she was. There were so many people, so many families still displaced and even though her family was still technically displaced, they had a private place to live, beds for each person to sleep in each night, couches to sit on, games to play, and a kitchen to cook in. She shuddered at what may have been if God hadn't led her family's footsteps to the door of South Apalachin Baptist Church. She didn't have a clue what was going to happen about the whole house situation but she knew it would be okay. God had protected her family and provided a place for them to stay while they had no home to speak of, so even though they had gone through some serious valleys as of late, Elizabeth knew in her heart this too shall pass and things would get better, for they were better already!

Saturday, January 14, 2012

The Lord Takes.

Chapter 6 The Lord Takes.

First Responders loaded Elizabeth and her teeny bundle of a daughter into the back of the ambulance. While one got Elizabeth settled as quickly as possible, another started working on her daughter. It was soon discovered that the baby's nostrils were too tiny for the oxygen tubes and so once again it took a moment for the ambulance staff to figure out how to help the wee babe. They resigned themselves to placing an oxygen mask directly in front of the child's face so that hopefully she would breathe in as much of the precious air as possible.
It seemed as though they hit every bump and pothole in the road along the way. It felt like an eternity before they arrived at Strong Memorial Hospital in Rochester, NY. Meanwhile, the tiny baby had been without any type of life support other than a little bit of oxygen blown into the baby girls' face for an hour and a half. Her life signs were fading fast, her little heart was starting to slow and her tiny body was getting colder and colder. They rushed the baby into the NICU and wheeled Elizabeth into a hospital room to be examined and to wait. That was the last Elizabeth saw her daughter alive. She had wished that she had demanded to hold her child in the ambulance the whole time rather her mind had held onto the idea that these people were professionals and could care for her daughter better than herself. She kicked herself for thinking that, for all they had done is held oxygen to her face. Elizabeth was certain that she could have done the same thing while giving her daughter the warmth and nearness of her skin and body. This was the first in a cycle of "what if" thoughts that tortured Elizabeth for days, months, weeks, and years to come.
Bob met her in the room after he settled the kids in a waiting room with coloring books & crayons, storybooks, and kid's shows playing on the TV. They had snacks and drinks given to them by some caring nurse staff and were being kept an eye on while Bob went to check on Elizabeth. A kindhearted nurse had helped her change into a dressing gown and was checking her to make sure everything was normal for Elizabeth post-delivery. After the numbness of the shock wore off, the tears wouldn't stop pouring down Elizabeth's cheeks. The sweet nurse shared her tears and squeezed her hand "I am So, So Sorry for your loss… If there is Anything, Anything at all that you need, PLEASE let me know." Her voice wavered as she spoke and she hovered over Elizabeth as a mother hovers over her child. Elizabeth's thoughts raced as she reflected on this and although she was so thankful for her loving nurse she couldn't help but think that it was as a mother hover overs her living child- Elizabeth's child was probably not going to make it and could already be dead. She still held onto the tiny sliver of hope that her daughter would be okay but within moments the Dr. on call came into the room to confirm her worst nightmare. As her husband stood by her side, the Dr. gravely spoke to them both "I am very sorry but there was nothing we could do. Your child is gone. She was just too premature, her veins too small for an IV and her vitals were just too weak when she arrived, we couldn't stabilize her. I am sorry for your loss. Your husband told us your Uncle is the Head of NICU here, so we contacted him and he is on his way to see you. Once Again, I am sorry for your loss." The Dr. looked at Bob and Elizabeth once more with serious eyes, and turned to quietly leave the room.
Elizabeth had thought of her uncle but her emotions were overwhelming and she was glad that Bob had said something about having him come. She needed comfort from a family member, and especially from one who was a doctor who specialized in "lost cause" babies. He had seen many miracles in his time in the NICU, but he had had also dealt with the loss of babies just like hers as well. Her husband was having a hard time dealing with this as much Elizabeth. Bob was trying to be supportive the best he could, but he was struggling with emotions as well. Her husband was usually a very tough, very resilient man who never cried. While he stood with her absorbing the Dr.'s words, he became choked up and started to cry. He held her hand and the cried together for the first time. The nurse walked in and apologized and he immediately straightened up and recomposed himself to the strong, unwavering man that Elizabeth knew so well. She was thankful though for the brief moment of brokenness that she saw in her husband, and the feeling of unity she so desperately clung to facing the loss of their daughter.
The nurse asked if Elizabeth wanted pictures of her daughter. The hospital photographer took pictures for families who had suffered pregnancy loss free of charge and it was offered to parents if they wanted a They had angel boxes for babies such as hers and she asked Bob and Elizabeth if they would like one. Bob was indifferent but Elizabeth's voice shook as she said "yes please". The nurse said she would get her daughter ready, have pictures taken, and bring her to them to say goodbye.
Elizabeth's Uncle came in as the nurse was leaving. He came over and gave Elizabeth a hug then shook Bob's hand. "I am so sorry Elizabeth, for the loss of your daughter. We don't understand why things happen the way they do, but God in His wisdom had a plan for your daughter, and for whatever reason wanted her to be with Him today. Your Aunt Jan and I are so sad for you and your family, and will be praying for strength for you. We know God will keep you through all of this but we understand how awful this must be for you. I am so thankful though, that you love the Lord, because you have the Hope that many don't. The hope of seeing your daughter again in Heaven." He paused and squeezed her hand. "Thank you for coming to see us and talk to us." Bob and Elizabeth responded. "I am so glad to have been able to do so, I wish it was under different circumstances, but I am thankful to have been able to see you, talk with you, and be here for you. I have to go now, but remember we are praying for you and trust God in this. He will help you." Oom Elise' left the room. His words were like a soothing balm to Elizabeth. Her heart was so broken. Her daughter was less than a pound and only inches long, but filled every portion of Elizabeth's heart and mind.
The nurse brought their tiny daughter to them. "What is her name?" She asked them. They exchanged looks and without hesitancy said "her name is Grace Antoinette Rose Brown" "That is a beautiful name. I will be back in a little bit, take your time." The sweet nurse replied as she wrote down the name and left the room. Her husband could hardly look at his daughter, it just wasn't in him, but Elizabeth reveled at looking at her. Someone had dressed Grace up in a tiny, soft pink, hand crocheted dress with a matching crocheted pink hat, and had wrapped her in an equally tiny, soft and pretty hand crocheted baby blanket. She looked like a tiny baby doll. She looked so beautiful and Elizabeth kept searching for her mouth to move, but it moved no more. She was gone… Elizabeth searched for the words to say goodbye, but all she could do was gently kiss her head as tears poured over her daughter's pretty dress and blanket.
The nurse came back to take baby Grace away for the last time. Elizabeth gently whispered "Goodbye my daughter, I love you and miss you already." In her mind she breathed a prayer to her heavenly Father, "Please hold her in your arms till I can hold her myself in Heaven." A simple prayer but a helpless plea to her God to take care of her daughter since Elizabeth couldn't take care of Grace herself here on earth. The nurse took Grace from Elizabeth within a few minutes of taking her baby she was back with an Angel box. Inside was a heart with Grace's tiny feet stamped on it and her name, height, weight, and date of birth written on it. Also the measuring tape that had measured her, Her hospital id band that was so loose on her little leg that it slipped off and on easily, the sweet dress, hat, and blanket she was dressed in all fit inside the oval cardboard box with an angel painted on it. Her heart was so full of thankfulness yet sadness that when they left there would be no car seat with a sweet baby girl in it, just a small box of memories of the daughter that her husband lovingly referred to as Gracie. She wept. Someday she would be okay, but not today.
The ride home was quiet, eerily quiet. Even Samantha and Wayne said little and hardly bickered even though it was a few hour's drive. Bob was lost in his own thoughts and Elizabeth was lost in hers. She was full of "what ifs and whys". What if she listened to her body better and realized she was in labor sooner? What if she would have woke Bob up and forced him to take her to the local hospital, would her daughter have lived? What if she would have lived, how long would she have been in the hospital in Buffalo and what would they have done? Could she have done anything differently and her daughter would be living right now? Why had this happened to her and Bob when they wanted their daughter so much and couldn't wait to have her join their family and shower her with love? There were women who didn't want a child, yet they were giving birth to healthy unwanted babies, or even worse aborting them, even at the same time as her beautiful daughter had to die. Her heart was troubled but she knew she could count on the strength of her husband, whose strong grip held her hand the whole way home to help her through this. She also knew God would help her, but God felt so far away and distant right then, she would need to rely on Bob for the time being.
"Wow" thought Elizabeth as she regained her thoughts. She had been lost in the remembrances of her daughter long enough, too long actually. It was time to join the here and now. The kid's had finished their breakfast and the rattle of cereal bowls, and spoons clinking down into them brought her back into reality. Look how far God had brought her family. Look at all the children God had placed in her and Bob's lives. "Thank you Lord" she whispered. She had been blessed in abundance, and even though her home was gone, and many possessions were gone from the recent flood, she had her family and that was most important to her of all.


Thursday, December 29, 2011

Washed Away with Grace

Chapter 5 The Lord Gives.
Elizabeth murmured "Oh my God" then her utterings became increasingly louder… She wasn't cursing her Lord's name; rather she was pleading for help. Calling His name felt like the only thing she could do. She was helplessly in shock. She stared at this tiny dark child and realized the umbilical cord was wrapped around the baby's neck. She could see the heart was beating and a miniscule mouth was gasping tiny gasps of air. Elizabeth's whole body shook as she gained control enough to unwrap the cord from around the tiny neck. It was at that point she realized that she had a daughter. "Oh God help me" Elizabeth uttered. God heard her cries and sent her an angel. Elizabeth's Angel was in the form of a woman who found herself in the same Rest-Stop Bathroom. A knock reverberated on the stall door. "Are You Okay Honey??" a persistent voice asked. "Help Me." Elizabeth replied as she managed to unlock the stall door with her free hand.
A medium height blond just past middle age, with dark sunglasses opened the door. She didn't say much at first, but Elizabeth could read the shock on her face. Elizabeth heard her say "I'm not trained in this, but I'm here for you as long as you need." Within a moment or two the blond angel had taken control and was able to pull out the fact that her husband was waiting outside in the rest stop somewhere, all the while holding Elizabeth's free hand. She got the attention of some others in the restroom, had them start ushering people out, found Elizabeth's husband who was brought into the restroom. One look at his wife and very premature child and he almost passed out and had to leave for fear of getting sick. He busied himself by calling for help and doing his best to compose himself so that he could be a support to his wife. The ambulance was called, the children were taken over to the Burger King inside the rest stop, given food and kid's meal toys and all of a sudden employees took on roll of childcare providers to keep the young boy and girl preoccupied.
Elizabeth couldn't take her eyes off of her daughter. She reminded her of a kitten, eyes not big enough to be open, small enough to fit in her hand, although little legs and arms fell over the sides of her hand. The tiniest fingers and toes you could imagine, no hair on the tiny head, but Elizabeth was struck at her delicate features. She was beautiful, even though she was so very small. Elizabeth was in shock but she couldn't stop watching her. Every shallow gasp of air that went in and out of her lungs didn't go unnoticed. Every time her little lips moved Elizabeth breathed a sigh of relief because it meant her daughter was still fighting for life. Meanwhile, through it all, Elizabeth's angel stayed by her side, holding her hand.
After what felt like an eternity, Elizabeth's husband and the ambulance crew came into the bathroom. The ambulance crew was not prepared for what they saw. They were told that a woman had a miscarriage and her baby was dead. They stood dumbfounded, staring at this tiny living child who weighed just ounces. They didn't know what to do. Finally they came to their senses and realized that they were not capable of helping so tiny of a child and that if there was any chance whatsoever they needed to get this child to the NICU stat. Elizabeth's angel gave her hand another squeeze, and as Elizabeth stood up and fixed her skirt, she gave her blond angel a hug and with tears in her eyes she looked into the dark glasses and said the only two words she could manage "Thank You". Those words seemed so trivial even though she meant them fully from her heart. She knew she would never see the blond woman again, and she couldn't remember her name. She only knew that her presence and the strong pressure of the soft hand was the only thing that kept her lucid. She would never forget that shoulder length wavy blond hair that had been colored perfectly and those almost black sunglasses, because she knew God had sent her the angel she needed to give her strength when Elizabeth had none left.
They put Elizabeth on a gurney and wrapped the child up in a small towel that almost swallowed her up and rushed the baby into the ambulance. Elizabeth was rolled thru the rest stop with her husband and kids walking by her side. Bob kissed her forehead and said he would be following in the van right behind the ambulance and he & the kids would meet us at the hospital. Hundreds of people became silent, as they stared at her as she was escorted outside. Many with compassion, some with annoyance for the bathroom being unusable for so long, most with confusion on what was going on and the stares were just trying to figure out what had happened to this young woman being rushed out on a stretcher. No matter the reason for the eyes watching her, the hundreds of eyes felt as they bored into her soul. She couldn't hide, as much as she wanted to. She just stared down at the towels and blankets covering her and tried to be as inconspicuous as possible, even though she knew it was pointless. Hers would be the story of many for days afterward. A story she herself would never forget, no matter how many years passed…


Thursday, December 8, 2011

Washed Away with Grace

Chapter 4 An Expected Child
Elizabeth got the kids situated for breakfast and glanced around the table. It was amazing how a few years ago she could have been found sobbing over her desperate desire for a baby of her own and the lack thereof. She would arrive in church and see all the round bellies of the expectant mothers and be so conflicted. She was joyous for them, but so sad for herself. Little would she know, after so much heartache that she would have little ones around her table as well as bigger ones in her life. Having Samantha and Wayne was wonderful. She enjoyed going to softball practice, cub scouts, hiking at parks, and concerts at school when they were smaller, but they were already so independent when Elizabeth and Bob got married they didn't need her like a tiny one would. There was nothing like having a little one completely rely on you for everything. It was a feeling Elizabeth longed for, but for the longest time was unable to feel.
Elizabeth had always had a deep desire for a large family and children. She was sure much of the reason was she had 3 siblings growing up. She enjoyed living amidst a busy family full of life and wanted the same type of family when she grew old enough. The four of them had been, for the most part stair steps with the exception of the small gap between her and her brother. There would have been another child that her mother had lost late term, the missing step that would have completed the stairs however God had other plans for that little one. Elizabeth believed that the babies that she had lost herself were probably wonderful friends with the baby her mother had lost so many years ago up in Heaven…
Elizabeth herself had lost 4. She and Bob had lost a baby in an earlier term miscarriage, her first biological child. It was heartbreaking, but nothing in comparison to what was to come next. Soon after her first miscarriage, she became pregnant again. She carried this child, each day a blessing, for her pregnancy was filled with complications. She had opted to use a midwife that was associated with a local hospital and who worked alongside a doctor if necessary. No doctor, no midwife, no exam could explain the chronic bleeding. It never ceased and became increasingly worse each day she became further along in her pregnancy. It got to the point where they were doing ultrasounds regularly to check on the "status" of her child. She prayed for the child inside her daily, multiple times a day.
When the opportunity came to get away on a girls trip for just a few days she thought that might be just the thing to get her mind off of her tumultuous pregnancy. She went away with her mother, sister, a few of her adopted siblings who were quite small at the time, and daughter Samantha for a girls' beach retreat. There was little rest for Elizabeth. The constant reminder of her baby in distress was so stressful. She was afraid she may even lose her baby while she was away from her husband… God held off a little longer and got Elizabeth and her daughter Samantha home safely and able to enjoy a few moments of getting away with the girls to enjoy the beauty of the beach, a little shopping, and even a short cruise to see dolphins, which was extra special because her daughter Samantha adored dolphins. When she was younger she said that she wanted to work with dolphins when she grew up. Going on a dolphin cruise with her daughter was one of those memories made to be sure.
A brief time later Bob, Elizabeth, Samantha and Wayne went to visit Elizabeth's brother and sister in law in Buffalo NY. They went to Niagara Falls together, and then to a local mall before arriving back to Jonathan and Jessamyn's home. That evening the bleeding was accompanied by pain, pain that reverberated in her back. She tried to ignore it, tried to soak in a tub while everyone else slumbered and snored. It wouldn't go away, and got worse. While she was awake at around 3am she heard a loud bang. She was so stressed and tense that a car backfiring really did sound just like a gunshot. She called 911 and reported her fears much to the humor of her family later on. What happened next was no joke however.
By 6am it was evident Elizabeth was having contractions and she was only 20 weeks along. She woke her husband and told him that she needed to get to a hospital. He said it was really important for them to get back to their own hospital and Dr. rather than going to a strange hospital, especially with her being only 20 weeks along. If their baby was going to be born, it would be much easier to spend months at a local hospital rather than one 3 hours away. She couldn't argue that point and breathed a prayer that they would get to their hospital in time between strong pains. They loaded the kids up and headed home. Elizabeth's contractions became very close and she had an overwhelming urge to go to the bathroom. She saw a rest stop in the distance and told Bob to STOP. She rushed into the restroom and went to the furthest stall to go to relieve herself. As she sat down she felt her child sliding from her body and put her hand down just in time to catch her wee babe before she landed in the toilet. It was a girl and she was ALIVE….